I'm guilty.

I am guilty.

For quite some time now I have been trying to figure out God.

To be completely honest, things in my life just seem too good right now.

I love my family.

I have a good set of friends.

I’m in a great relationship.

Right now I am content. I am happy. I really couldn’t ask for anything more.

But yesterday night led me to a conversation that made me question my incentives.

I feel like I have completely forgotten what I am living for.

I no longer am living in the stillness.

I go throughout my day completing tasks and maintaining relationships

Maintaining this happiness I am so scared of losing.

I fear God.

I love him,

but I fear Him.

I don’t understand Him.

I don’t get the way He thinks

And so often I don’t trust that He knows what’s best for me.

 I am trying to plan out my life and make it perfect and un-altering and hidden away from God so he won’t disturb me.

Selfishness.

I guess that’s the word that most people would use for this type of behavior.

But for some reason I feel like I’m not alone. Maybe there’s others.

Everyday I am yearning to know God more, but I’m scared.

I fear his plans, I fear his outcomes. But yet I say I trust Him.

I do set time aside most days to read through my Bible.

Most days.

Not all of them. But most of them.

So why do I still feel this empty void inside my stomach like I’m alone and God isn’t there?

“I don’t understand you”

But after this conversation I recently began to realize that I treat God like he’s so far away.

Yes, I read my Bible but is that my only duty as a follower of Christ?

It goes beyond that.

I started to think throughout my average day as a college day student.

 I wakeup

I check my phone

I go take a shower

 I eat breakfast

I get ready….

But the fact of the matter is, where am I even leaving room for God?  I am guilty of going throughout my whole entire day doing things for me.

Just me.

 I don’t go throughout my day praising the Lord

 It’s almost like when life on Earth just seems too good is when I feel like I need the Lord the least. I feel like I can do everything on my own and I don’t need someone to come down from heaven and guide me through life.

But it was through a conversation I felt I saw the Lord for who He is.

I want to spend my days praising the Lord.

I want the conversations I have to be rooted in Christ and for the relationships I have to be pointing towards the Lord.

It is so easy to forget why we are here on Earth, especially when things just seem too good.

This morning I did something a little different than my normal routine.

I wokeup

I praised the Lord for the day

I took a shower

I praised the Lord for the hot water I had

I ate my breakfast

I thanked the Lord for giving me what I have.

And for some reason, my soul felt well. I felt completed. This void seemed a little less empty. Things just seem….perfect. I feel like for once the Lord is living in me and he is present and working.

Maybe I’m figuring it out.

Today just seems so much better than most because I have finally realized that it’s not about me and my plans but about His. He has me figured out and He’s got me. Whether it’s through my sorrow or through my happiness I will praise the Lord for he is so so good.